Thoughts on a Virus

Self-Portrait, Lotus Festival, 2017

The Coronavirus would be my second plague. My first was AIDS. Back then, I'd heard the average age of death for a gay man was 45. I felt middle-aged in my twenties. Middle-age can be startling--forcing me to ask serious questions of my life: Am I doing what I should be doing? What makes me happy?

Now, I am middle-aged again. Amidst Covid-19, I ask similar questions: Am I doing what I should be doing?  What makes me happy?

Today, I add these questions: Am I being helpful enough? Has my creativity helped anyone? Have I served?

I don't know the answers, but this new virus is making me think. The worst case scenario is two million Americans will die.    Will I be one of them? If so, would I be okay with that?

The short answer is: Yes, I would have to be.  I recognize that at 52, I surpassed the old estimate of dying at 45.  I published books, something that I didn't know was possible for me. I got an MDiv in Buddhist Chaplaincy--also another surprise in my life. So many surprises.

I wonder what surprises are left?  Maybe I die--surprise! Yet, there's a part of me that still might have a bit of survivor's guilt.  As a gay man, did I cheat death? Will Coronavirus even the score? I don't know.

I just know that I'd been gifted with 52 years on earth so far. Whether I get another year or decade or several decades, I can't say. I guess, for now, I get to see another spring. If I'm lucky, maybe summer. If I'm really lucky, another fall.

My First Dad Role

Last weekend, I did a short film called The Laziest Susan written and directed by Andrea Suwito (above with script).

I had a blast acting in a story about a Chinese American family having dinner where one daughter is favored over another.

It was quite monumental for me as I did my very first "Dad" role. I guess it was meant to be that a man of a certain age would be playing fathers. I had the chance to act with these fine young actors Ella Chen (left) and Jocelyn Liu (center).  Such fun.

Vulnerability NOW!

I'd been taking these acting workshops through the SAG-AFTRA conservatory.  I took two workshops that required immediate intimacy.  Right. Now. 

Within 30 minutes in a room of complete strangers, I had to cry, love, yearn and regret. 

I delivered. That's what actors do, but I had to reflect on how each and every time actors are asked to be "authentic."  By being authentic, we lay it down, offer the most intimate moments of our lives through our bodies, speech and minds.  

After each acting experience, I'd felt, in a way, closer to something higher than myself. Was it God? Or Enlightenment? Or an elevated sense of self?

When I was doing AIDS work, some of the most spiritual times of my life were connecting with someone who was dying. There was no wall between us, it was just two human beings connecting at a core level.

That's what those acting workshops resembled--a core level of connecting.  The director and casting people were EXPECTING to connect on a deeper level, so this cold place with strangers because a temple of sorts. For 10 minutes--the time it took to act my scene--I felt something sacred.  

Who knew at an acting workshop, I'd be "taken to church." It was a nice place to be.

What I Learned through the SAG-AFTRA Conservatory

I decided to check out the SAG-AFTRA Los Angeles Conservatory. For $45, members can access all sorts of workshops on acting, casting, self-care, technology, and more! I was surprised at the variety of classes offered.  I've made several sessions thus far.  Here are some of my takeaways.

Headshots

I haven't had acting headshots in nearly 15 years.  If I'm going to start acting again, I decided to finally get them.  The photographer is the amazing Alexis Rhone Fancher.

I was fourteen when I got my very first headshots. I got my first agent at 16 and got into the unions by 17.  I got my BFA in acting. I thought I would be acting forever. However, the roles were few and far between, and the roles pretty much sucked.

I did my own performance work, which I loved, but found my creative urges could be quenched through writing.  Leaving acting to write was one of the best decision I made.

Now, I feel the urge to go back to my first love of acting.  We'll see what happens.

Artists Resist! Join me this Sunday at 2pm.

I think artists and those of us with a spiritual backbone should try to do the right thing.  I've protested and created art with a political or social statement.  I'm doing that again.  I'm going to use my expensive BFA in acting and try to create magic from dryness.  Hope to see you there.

More Information:

The City of West Hollywood joins Hollywood NOW and community partners to co-host a two-part event: The Mueller Report: A Live Reading. Community members are invited to read, to join the audience, or to tune-in to the broadcast.

The Mueller Report, officially titled Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election, is the official report documenting the findings and conclusions of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian efforts to interfere in the 2016 United States presidential election, allegations of conspiracy or coordination between Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia, and allegations of obstruction of justice.

The event will take place over two days on Saturday, August 10, 2019 from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. and on Sunday, August 11, 2019 from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. at the City of West Hollywood’s Council Chambers/Public Meeting Room at West Hollywood Library, located at 625 N. San Vicente Boulevard. The event is free and open to the public.

RSVP HERE.

Literary TBT: AWP and Hamilton Casting

Thanks Alex Espinoza for the screen shot!

A few things things happened in the last week that gave me pause.  There was a big blow-up over how Actor's Equity handled a non-white casting notice for the musical Hamilton.  In an op/ed, Equity apologized and vowed to do more about diversity.  

Last weekend, I attended the annual conference for the Association of Writers and Writing Programs (AWP).  I sat on a panel called "Intersections: Race, Sexuality and other Collisions in Los Angeles." It was a terrific time organized by Alex Espinoza with Fred Smith, Felicia Luna Lemus and Myriam Gurba.

Early in the panel Fred Smith said that Los Angeles wasn't like Beverly HIlls, 90210.  I said that before I was a writer I was an actor and I actually did an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210.  Back in 1990, I was grateful for the role--and still am.  The character was a guy named Chang, an Asian busboy, who helped Brandon Walsh (played by Jason Priestley) realize that his life as an upper middle class white boy in Beverly Hills wasn't so bad.  Hey, he could be me (or my character), which was third world kitchen help who didn't even make minimum wage.

Doing those kinds of roles is one of the reasons I became a writer.  An actor's life is hard. My creativity was dependent on getting hired at best, staying in acting class at the least.  When I wrote, I could be creative everyday. Yes, I took classes, but it was the act of writing, of creating that drew me in.  At first, I wrote for roles I could play on stage.  Then I decided to attempt the novel, which was one of the hardest things I'd ever tried to do in my life. 

In the 1990s, AIDS was destroying my gay and Asian community.  I worked for the Asian Pacific AIDS Intervention Team where I worked to help men stay HIV negative or HIV positive men stay as healthy as possible.  One of the ways we did this was convincing ourselves that we were worthy individuals who deserved health, wealth and well-being.  And I couldn't properly convey that by playing guys like Chang. 

Sometimes, I wonder what happened to that busboy. In that world of Beverly Hills, 90210, how did Chang turn out? 

Hmmmmm. A short story might be in the works.

My First Love

I did a reading of Aurelio Locsin's play "Family Affair." It was really fun studying a character again and doing ensemble work on stage. I never thought going to "rehearsal" would be such joy again.

In the audience was someone who was more familiar with my literary life. He'd seen me host at Skylight, and he told me that he knew I did other things...but not acting! I told him that theatre was my first love. It's still a love.

However, I started to write because my first love was always hard to come by. She was like the popular girl you wanted to spend time with in high school, but she would only give you the time of day at her whim.

I probably wouldn't have written if the acting game wasn't so hard. Now, that I've written and consider myself a writer, could I return to my first love? And not feel slighted if she chooses not to spend time with me? Would I find joy just in the pursuit of her?

New Works Festival--August 14th

East West Players is having their Summer 2011 David Henry Hwang New Works Festival. And I'll be a part of it. No, no, not as a writer, but as one of the actors. Yes!

Playwright Aurelio Locsin is having a reading of his new play and I'll be reading one of the characters. Director Dom Magwili asked me to play the role of LD, a rather plain accountant who is ending a relationship. We had our first rehearsal last Sunday...it was good to go to "rehearsal" again.

Here are the details:

Family Affair by Aurelio Locsin
Directed by Dom Magwili

Filipino-American LD and Anglo Kenny decide to break up their long-term gay relationship. LD’s family, who like Ken better than LD, are thrown into turmoil. Do they try to get them together or push for the separation?...

Starring:Noel Alumit, Melody Biutiu, James M. Dyer, Christian Estrada, Ronalee Par Miyasaki, Alden Rey

ADMISSION IS FREE but parking costs, unless you can find free street parking.

(This is a staged reading, so no costumes, props or lights. Just some great acting and directing.)

When: August 14 at 8pm

Where: East West Players, 120 Judge John Aiso Street in Little Tokyo, downtown LA.

Returning to My First Love

Last weekend, I participated in the West Hollywood Bookfair. I'd participated before and always have a great time. This year was significant for me. I usually go as an author, reading something from a book or moderating a panel. This year I went as a "performer," a title I hadn't claimed in a really long time. I performed a monologue from my first show "The Rice Room: Scenes from a Bar."

Acting was my first love. I began pursuing it professionally when I was a teenager, getting my first agent at sixteen. I went to college majoring in Theatre. I thought I'd be doing it for the rest of my life. Then I discovered writing, a blind date that turned into a full on love affair. I found myself juggling two lovers.

About five years ago, around the time my father died, I sort of abandoned my first love. I felt the need to be alone, something writing allowed. I experienced a kind of transition when dad left, I truly felt like my childhood had passed away. My first love was a part of that. I'd heard that a son doesn't truly become a man until his father dies. I understood that.

Earlier this year, I began thinking about my old lover. In rekindling an old relationship, I talked about it with friends who encouraged me to go about it. I called up my agent, a very patient man, and asked him if he'd be willing to represent me again. He was kind enough to say, yes. I made sure my union cards were all in order and started auditioning again.

The fine theatre artist Michael Kearns asked me to be a part of his Queer Renegades at the Weho Bookfest. I took it as a positive sign. I went about memorizing lines again and rehearsing. It felt strange yet familiar.

I think that's why I decided to remove the "Literary" from my posts this year. My creative life will encompass more from now on.

Ironically, I started a short story about an actor. I do think I have a Hollywood book in me. If my return to acting will facilitate more stories, what a wonderful result that will be.

For a tour of the Weho Bookfair, click Here. Thanks to Karen Ocamb for sharing this link.