Heart Center

 I had the pleasure of doing a reading at Spoken Interludes. I read a new piece called Heart Center, touching on Buddhist topics like impermanence, the suffering of death, and Kuan Yin, goddess of compassion. 

Speaking at Spoken Interludes on March 7

 When Delaune Michel invited me to do this event on Sunday, I actually got real emotional. I remember when I was asked to do this legendary literary salon almost 20 years ago. I was younger and knew that Spoken Interludes was a REAL big deal. 

It was validating to be asked, considering that there were many others who DIDN'T ask. I changed a lot. I'm reading an essay on leading a Buddhist death ritual for a friend who was passing away. The essay will be the first time I'd read it out loud. Reading something publicly makes a piece of writing real for me. It's not just tucked away in a computer or in my mind. It's a living, breathing being. It becomes alive somehow.

Please join us. It's FREE. Register HERE. 

Me Talking About Death as an Affirmation of LIfe

(The Catacombs in Paris)

 

I'm honored to have been the inaugural interview for the Death and Dhamma podcast. Take a listen. 

The End of a Novena

 

Tonight we had the last session of a Novena for an uncle who passed away (non-Covid).  I hadn't done a rosary in quite awhile. I used to do it when I was a practicing Catholic. It was like riding a bike meditating to the litany of prayers. I visualized lifting my uncle's soul to heaven.

In Buddhism, there is a tale of hungry ghosts who are liberated from their ghostly status, elevated to their next incarnation through prayer.

I used a rosary that I got when I visited the Vatican in 2019. I got them blessed at St. Peter's Basilica. I didn't think I'd ever use them. I remembered that the rosary was actually inspired by mala.

 At least that's what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her memoir Eat, Pray, Love. I was not surprised by this, the story of Crusaders venturing East then seeing Buddhists and Hindus using prayer beads, eventually bringing it back to Europe. I don't think the Catholics want to make this connection. They want to believe it was an original invention by St. Dominic.

Regardless, fingering beads in prayer just feels spiritual to me. And it can also help with a nervous habit. If it brings comfort, its fulfilled its purpose. 

Countless Disappointments

I'm prepping for a new course I'm teaching called Buddhist American Literature. I'm reading African American Buddhist Charles Johnson. His work is incredible salve during these hard times. I'm also watching a lot of movies during this Covid time. I saw Ma Rainey's Black Bottom based on the play by August Wilson.  

After reading Johnson's story Night Hawks, I see they were friends. There was something magical about discovering this happenstance. Here is what Johnson wrote of Wilson in Night Hawks:

"How many times had his heart been broken? He could not remember the countless disappointments. Like so many writers and artists I've known, his art was anchored in lacerations and a latticework of scar tissue."

Let our sadness be a spark in the night time.

A Lit Path, 2017

Thriving While Sad

Artist at Rest, 2020

It is a new year, and I'm terribly sad. Over 350,000 people have died of Covid and the Capitol had been attacked. I am angry, sad and frustrated. A New Year is always a good way to start new things, so I'm going to sit with these feelings of malcontent. As a Buddhist, I know I can feel all of this Moment but not allow it to control me, force me to do something I may regret later. 

It's been months since I'd posted. I, like so many others, got caught up in the business of surviving. This year, I want to do more than merely survive. I want to thrive, which means, I think, leading my best life while all appears to be dismal. 

Let's try this experiment.

Self-Reflection

I picked up my camera, something I hadn't done in weeks, and turned the lens on myself. I'm sure many of us are doing some major self-reflection during this time of Covid. Lots of questions about the future are coming around, including: will I be alive by the end of the year?

I'm falling on my Buddhism to work through themes of impermanence, death, livelihood.  My biggest solution to all of this is...I don't know.  Live in the "Not-Knowing" was a big theme in American Buddhist Bernie Glassman's philosophy.

I simply don't know what's coming next.  Then again, I didn't know what was coming next without Covid. Things are always uncertain, unknown. Covid is just magnifying how fleeting we really are.

I don't know. I just don't.

Crowd Source, No Masks Required

During this Covid19 quarantine, I really miss crowds of people. No masks required. Some photos down memory lane.

Resist March, 2017

Ruby Ibarra Concert, Getty Museum, 2019

Bhikku Bodhi Buddhist Retreat, 2020

Lotus Festival, 2017

Circus Vargas, 2017

Fil-Am Veterans March, 2018

WRITE EFFORT Realized!

Last weekend, I completed my first full course of WRITE EFFORT: Creative Writing Through a Buddhist Lens. Yes, it was exciting to work with a wonderful group of writers. I see you Kate, Beth, Lizzy, Fred, Doug and Jonathan! Yes, I loved working with the fine literary organization Beyond Baroque, especially Emmitt Conklin. Yes, I loved integrating Buddhist thought with the craft of storytelling.

But what I really loved were the stories that came about. We are filled with an incredible amount of ideas and themes and characters. Inside each and everyone of us is at least one book. However, I think we need effort, mindfulness and concentration--elements of the Buddhist Eightfold Path.

It will be hard, there will be suffering (The First Noble Truth), but one can persevere.

Greater in battle

than the man who would conquer

a thousand-thousand men, 

is he who would conquer just one--

                                     himself.

                                 Buddha

                                           Dhammapada 

                                  VIII; 103

WRITE EFFORT at Beyond Baroque

I am absolutely thrilled to be working with the fine literary institution Beyond Baroque. I became familiar with them in the 1990s as I began my literary career. I am over the moon that I can teach WRITE EFFORT: Creative Writing Through a Buddhist Lens. Classes begin via Zoom on May 23.

Stuck at Home or Home Retreat?

Malas at Diamond Zen Monastery

Last weekend, I went on retreat. I wasn't expecting to, but I saw that Lama Rod Owens was doing a home retreat, so I went for it.  Why not? I was going to be stuck at home for shelter-in-place. If I was going to be at home, I should definitely make use of it.

As I stated in my last post, don't waste this time. I can fight this situation or be frustrated with it or it can be used to benefit me and others.

There were about 200 people from all over the country on Zoom to participate. We were all in quarantine, but we all needed some spiritual guidance.

Who would have thought in Buddha's time that a sangha could gather like this?  We meditated and asked Lama Rod questions. The most beneficial part of the retreat for me was the discussion on intention.  Are we coming from a good place or are we coming from a place of trauma?

When I confront a coworker, am I reacting from trauma or from a place of kindness?

This got me thinking: when I create is it from a good place or a from a place hurt?  Maybe it's both, but if I want to heal and live a life free from pain, my place of creation should be a place of kindness. I don't want to be spurred on by pain.

Suffering

Mala--prayer beads 2017

There will be suffering in this life.  That is the first Truth of the Four Noble Truths. During this time, we'll witness suffering up close as the number of those infected rise.  Most will not die, but some will. Those who won't die, may still experience sickness.

There are "four sufferings." They are the suffering of birth, old age, sickness and death.

When the young Indian prince Shakyamuni left his home for the first time, he was shocked at what he found outside his palace walls. Part of what he saw were the sick and the dying.  Witnessing this started his spiritual journey to becoming a Buddha.

As days, weeks, months pass and the numbers rise, will the sickness and death spur us to be better, do better?  If not, this time would be worthless.

Thoughts on a Virus

Self-Portrait, Lotus Festival, 2017

The Coronavirus would be my second plague. My first was AIDS. Back then, I'd heard the average age of death for a gay man was 45. I felt middle-aged in my twenties. Middle-age can be startling--forcing me to ask serious questions of my life: Am I doing what I should be doing? What makes me happy?

Now, I am middle-aged again. Amidst Covid-19, I ask similar questions: Am I doing what I should be doing?  What makes me happy?

Today, I add these questions: Am I being helpful enough? Has my creativity helped anyone? Have I served?

I don't know the answers, but this new virus is making me think. The worst case scenario is two million Americans will die.    Will I be one of them? If so, would I be okay with that?

The short answer is: Yes, I would have to be.  I recognize that at 52, I surpassed the old estimate of dying at 45.  I published books, something that I didn't know was possible for me. I got an MDiv in Buddhist Chaplaincy--also another surprise in my life. So many surprises.

I wonder what surprises are left?  Maybe I die--surprise! Yet, there's a part of me that still might have a bit of survivor's guilt.  As a gay man, did I cheat death? Will Coronavirus even the score? I don't know.

I just know that I'd been gifted with 52 years on earth so far. Whether I get another year or decade or several decades, I can't say. I guess, for now, I get to see another spring. If I'm lucky, maybe summer. If I'm really lucky, another fall.

On Retreat with Bhikkhu Bodhi

I was reading The Noble Eightfold Path, which was the first discourse of the Buddha.  I'd read various translations of it, but the one by Bhikkhu Bodhi is my favorite.  I've read his translation at least three times.  I was reading it again when a notice popped up on Facebook that Bhikkhu Bodhi himself would be leading a retreat on the Eightfold Path in La Puente at Lankarama Temple.  Well, I just couldn't believe my karma!

It was a five day retreat filled with meditation, dhamma instruction, pali chanting, blessings and offerings.  It was a great way to start the year.

Meditating on Death in Paris

On a recent trip to Paris, I had the pleasure of visiting the Catacombs, where six millions Parisians are buried.

I thought it would be ghoulish, but it was rather reverential. The skeletons were placed there when the graveyards ran full. Priests blessed the bones and they were laid to rest. The bones were placed ever so delicately on top of each other, creating a restful pile.  

Walking through the catacombs felt like the Buddhist tradition of sitting in charnel houses. Aspiring monastics sat with dead bodies to meditate on impermanence. They watched bodies disintegrate as a spiritual practice.

The whole experience felt otherworldly. I couldn't help but wonder who they were and how they may feel about their bones.  Then again, would they even care?

I don't think meditating on death is maudlin.  On the contrary, it's life affirming.  We shouldn't be taking our lives for granted.  We're all moving to being a pile of bones. Before becoming lifeless skeletons, are we leading the best lives possible?

Meditating in Venice

Venice is a beautiful city.  I mean, BEAUTIFUL. And I almost missed it.

I was travelling with my brother, John.  He was living in Italy, loved Italy, spoke Italian.  He was my safety blanket.  He also had a business meeting in Venice and left me alone.  I usually like being alone, but I feared I would get lost and wouldn't be able to find him.  It got to the point where my head was spinning.

Then I reminded myself to relax and meditated for a bit.  I thought: I'm in Venice, for Buddha's sake! Be present for it.

After a few breaths, I arrived.

It was wonderful.

As I wandered the streets and canals of Venice, I ran into my brother and all was good.

We even did a bit of people watching.

A Buddhist in Milan

Duomo di Milano

What was inspiring about Europe was exploring the amazing art inspired for spiritual purposes.  The Duomo was an inspiring piece of architecture and The Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci was truly awesome.

For centuries, people have attended this church and witnessed this painting, experiencing the craftsmanship of artists.  I know there are politics, even scandals, involved with churches, temples, mosques, etc.  However, I wonder if those who created these works of art had that in mind.  

When I think of creating work, I hope that it does some good in the world.  It enlightens, inspires, educates.  Whether it was the great Leonardo da Vinci or the countless artisans who built the Duomo, I wonder what they thought about.

The Last Supper

Enlightenment at the Vatican

Recently, I went to Europe and had an amazing journey.  One of them was at the Vatican, reconciling my former incarnation as a Catholic with my current life as a Buddhist. I'll post pics and experiences in later posts.  However, here's a video that I did.

Reading "Faith" - Part Two

It’s been a real pleasure reading about older kids and how they think.  When I was going through my early grades, I remember believing I was alone, but not lonely.  My siblings had cousins to go to school with, but I didn’t. I spent most of that time playing alone. I wondered how that affected my adult view.  I don’t mind being alone, as a writer that’s part of what I need to do.  However, I wonder what would have been different if I had a bunch of kids around me.

I wasn’t the most social child.  Up until third grade I had one friend—we played chess during recess.  She might be considered “slow.”  I went through bussing, and interestingly enough, I think I discovered social skills from that time.  Kids from the inner city were bussed into the suburbs and vice versa.  I was one of the kids from the inner city and going into the suburbs, I bonded with other kids from my school.  There was a sense of Us vs. them mentality. 

Race is still an important issue to me and I’m sure that time had left an indelible impression on me.  I think the teachers at the time did their best with what they knew.  I wondered how we would have treated this issue today.