Being Okay With Everything

I got Covid over Christmas. It was mild, felt like a cold. I've experienced worst colds or flus. It was seeing the word "positive" from my PCR test that was alarming. I had flashbacks from the AIDS days when testing positive meant probable death. 

Of course, I prayed for a negative test. We don't know the long-term effects of Covid, even the mild forms. So, it was another monkey I didn't want on my back. 

As soon as I recovered, I went in for a scheduled medical procedure, a procedure I'd put off for over a year because I didn't want to be near a hospital and perhaps get Covid. Alas.

"Don't pray for everything to be ok. Pray to be ok with everything."

The procedure was to fix a damaged nerve in my brain. This nerve was affecting the way my tongue worked, causing me to slur speech. Speaking is a big part of my livelihood, so I decided to get it done. The procedure required radiation, which left me somewhat nauseous and fatigued. 

I prayed for all to go well, which it did. My tongue works almost normally now.

Under doctor's orders, I had to make sure I didn't cause my heart to race for a few weeks. I couldn't go on my morning runs or to the gym. I tried not to read upsetting news. 

In my convalescence, I did more meditation and prayer. Each time, I prayed for all to be well. It's a typical prayer, I supposed. I began to wonder what would have happened if I died of Covid or my medical procedure had complications--stroking out was a small possibility, but still a possibility. 

Rather than praying for all to be well, I prayed for peace and acceptance with whatever the outcome. What if things don't turn out well? What if all gets fucked up? I'm afraid of dying bitter or angry. I believe in reincarnation and there's a theory that our minds at the moment of death will determine our next incarnation. 

I learned: Don't pray for everything to be ok. Pray to be ok with everything.

Of course, I don't mean to be ok with injustice or oppression. I just know some things take time and being ok with life as it is will lead to a more satisfied existence. Work for change, but don't get torn up if change doesn't come quickly. Maybe this is why I believe in reincarnation. I can be reborn to finish what I started in a previous life. Believing this somehow makes things ok.

Photo by Noel Alumit