A Day of Mourning

 

December 1st can be a hard day. It's World AIDS Day, a time to remember the tens of millions of people who died of AIDS. I did AIDS work for over twenty years and spent many December 1st days in some state of mourning. I didn't want to spend the day in a state of loss and grief, so I decided to engage in escapist fantasy. I watched Wakanda Forever--a movie, unbeknownst to me, was all about loss and grief! Oy.

Their was a somber farewell to Chadwick Bosemen, which was emotional enough, but the whole movie seemed to grapple--in a successful and adventurous way--with a number of ways we experience loss. Yes, this was about the loss of loved ones, but it was also an exploration in the loss of culture. 

We were introduced to Namor, one of the most complex villains to come along in awhile. Tenoch Huerta was excellent as this Mayan god. He is what he is due to colonization. 

I found myself misty eyed, feeling what I needed to feel on World AIDS Day--loss and grief.  

To those we lost to AIDS, I miss you.

Being Okay With Everything

I got Covid over Christmas. It was mild, felt like a cold. I've experienced worst colds or flus. It was seeing the word "positive" from my PCR test that was alarming. I had flashbacks from the AIDS days when testing positive meant probable death. 

Of course, I prayed for a negative test. We don't know the long-term effects of Covid, even the mild forms. So, it was another monkey I didn't want on my back. 

As soon as I recovered, I went in for a scheduled medical procedure, a procedure I'd put off for over a year because I didn't want to be near a hospital and perhaps get Covid. Alas.

"Don't pray for everything to be ok. Pray to be ok with everything."

The procedure was to fix a damaged nerve in my brain. This nerve was affecting the way my tongue worked, causing me to slur speech. Speaking is a big part of my livelihood, so I decided to get it done. The procedure required radiation, which left me somewhat nauseous and fatigued. 

I prayed for all to go well, which it did. My tongue works almost normally now.

Under doctor's orders, I had to make sure I didn't cause my heart to race for a few weeks. I couldn't go on my morning runs or to the gym. I tried not to read upsetting news. 

In my convalescence, I did more meditation and prayer. Each time, I prayed for all to be well. It's a typical prayer, I supposed. I began to wonder what would have happened if I died of Covid or my medical procedure had complications--stroking out was a small possibility, but still a possibility. 

Rather than praying for all to be well, I prayed for peace and acceptance with whatever the outcome. What if things don't turn out well? What if all gets fucked up? I'm afraid of dying bitter or angry. I believe in reincarnation and there's a theory that our minds at the moment of death will determine our next incarnation. 

I learned: Don't pray for everything to be ok. Pray to be ok with everything.

Of course, I don't mean to be ok with injustice or oppression. I just know some things take time and being ok with life as it is will lead to a more satisfied existence. Work for change, but don't get torn up if change doesn't come quickly. Maybe this is why I believe in reincarnation. I can be reborn to finish what I started in a previous life. Believing this somehow makes things ok.

Photo by Noel Alumit